Adrift in a sea of……nothing

So much for snapping back into the weight reduction attempts and life as I knew it moment.

Digital Photograph from Matt Stidham

It’s been three weeks since my last article and I’m not really any closer to getting back into the groove of things as I thought I’d be.  It is funny – if I was in the middle of composing, I desired nothing more than to be done so that I might get on with my own life, doing.  And now that I’m done?  I’m a bit lost, and also adrift, disjointed.

I knew I’d feel this way, to some extent.  You don’t put your heart and soul into a thing for four years, then, turn it into simply go back to life as you knew it.  I knew there’d be a time of grieving the limit to the process and feeling aimless.  What vocational reason I had in life (beyond this particular part of growing healthy ) is slightly diminished.  For a long time I’ve called myself a PhD student and I still had something to say when asked what I do. 

Now?  I don’t have any idea.  Given the current state of theology/religion branches in the united kingdom, of me finding a job in 19, odds are slim.  So I find myself facing the possibilities of blazing new trails, working freelance, writing and performing education – but such a chance feels a little right now. 

There’s part of me that is tired of being a true pioneer.  It’s always been my default.  I feel as I am always fighting against the present, doing things differently, taking the road.   Regardless of the advantages of actions, I’d love to travel in the slipstream for just a little while of someone else.  I really don’t have the ability for constructing something new at the moment, clearing a little bit of ground, and whacking through each of the brambles and undergrowth. 

There’s too much unidentified.  I don’t know whether my dissertation will be passed by the examiners (my defense is in December).  I really don’t know yet if my job will continue beyond the year’s end.  Where I will be residing from now, I don’t know.  If the world needs what I’ve got to give when I did move my way and after all these years of preparing, I do not know.

All of this, consequently, takes its toll in my own efforts to be healthier.  Over the past 3 weeks, the scale has been as up and down, as I have bobbing along.  281.6, 278.2 and now’s 280. And I’ve determined that I am definitely a binge eater.  That has become apparent.  And I am going to the gym, however maybe not sufficient (about once a week so far).  I’m not recording, I am not keeping track, I am not counting.  And so I’m not seeing effects.

I chose to return and look at where I had been a year ago on this here blog and I discovered something interesting.  Roughly this time this past yearI wrote a post about priorities which was an attempt to kick myself in the tail and then also get back into gear.

Is there a pattern ?  Is October my”ramble” month?  Is the waning daylight connected to some despondency (aka”deficiency of guts and umph”)?  It is completely plausible.  Add on top of that this phase of life I’m in and it.

So maybe this is an chance to start new, to wash the slate clean, to make a new program for myself and see what rises to the top following a couple weeks.  Admit that this area of life I am in I would like to be gentle with myself, sit with it and not attempt and make myself occupied in order to shine.  But I know I can not sit with it.  Finally I need to behave. 

So today I will spend the afternoon figuring out a program, making a list of priorities and what should get done work-wise, work out how to map out some thoughts I’ve got, and see what happens.  I may also alter to Wednesdays.  Sundays just are not working for me, actually.

Will let you know how I get on. 

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